The Super Mario Bros. Movie (2023) Review

I'm going in with the lowest of expectations, but the appearance of a Minion was somehow even worse than I imagined. But the 16-bit Nintendo opening was super cute. Already I suspect there is tension between the fantastic character-loving Nintendo and the entirely soulless Disney machine.

The animation is not great. It's not awful, but I've played video games with better renders. They have a general softness to them that is reminiscent of Muppets and that makes me sad because the Muppets doing Super Mario Bros would be a far far better film.

The cast is almost entirely pudgy white men with scraggly beards known for being wacky. We have Jack Black, Chris Pratt, Charlie Day and Seth Rogan, as well as Keegan-Michael Key and Anya Taylor-Joy as Peach. Despite all these people being talented actors (to varying degrees) none of them are voice actors. It's particularly obvious with Day (Luigi) & Pratt (Mario) who do the Italian accents the plumbers are known for a grand total of 20 seconds for a deliberately cringe-inducing TV advert for their plumbing business. Given how many Americans there are who've never been to Italy, have no immediate family from Italy but do proudly claim to be Italian, you'd think they'd find one or two who could manage a credible accent. Particularly as we get a brief meal with their family who are straight out of the Sopranos, so we wonder how they lost their accents, but also developed two different accents despite spending all their time together.

The big reveal of the Mushroom Kingdom isn't dramatic enough, the colours and vibe of New York were still cartoony and bright. Dry Bones is pretty good though, and the scene of them chasing Luigi has some tension.

The antique store with the sign written with visible pixels is fab.

Peach's raised thrown under a massive stained glass picture of herself is fantastic and so entirely on brand for her narcissism. She's also a master of unarmed combat and parkour. The scene where she does the training run is basically identical but worse than when we met Princess Fiona. We also get 'holding out for a hero' used less well than Shrek did. We get a scene reminiscent of the Muffin Man torture. Basically what I'm saying is, if you have the option, go watch Shrek again.

Bowser sits closer to his subject, throws heavy rock concerts for them, and talks to them directly. He appears to be a better ruler than Peach. He does kill one for questioning him, but as he's immediately Undead, it's fine I guess? His creepy obsession with marrying Peach is horrifying as we are very aware of what 'marry' means in this context, but it's played for laughs.

Mario gets really good at everything really fast. But really, he learns the power of friendship. But also relying on himself. And Naruto running. That's important too.

Mario gets picked on and degraded by his father at the start of the film, and Luigi is ignored. In the end, his father says "You were amazing Mario" and continues to ignore Luigi who was just as incredible. Mario may get closure, but Luigi remains Player 2.

Given the soundtrack of 80's hits, I wonder if Chris Pratt insisted given on how well it went for his breakout film.

The best character by far is the cheery, insane, blue flame, captured in a cage. 'There's no sunshine, only Darkness!'

Kids will enjoy it, it's loud and colourful and recognisable. It will no doubt sell the various spin-off games that are definitely coming but as a film. it's much less a film and more a 90-minute advert for Ninendo's Mario franchise. We get the platformer, Mario Kart (complete with the drift boost), a nod to Luigi's Mansion, Donkey Kong...